How Can You Look At Me When I Can't Stand Myself?

Sick of circling the same road
Sick of bearing the guilt
So open the windows to cool off
And heat pours in instead

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

All my efforts to clean me
Leave me putrid and filthy
And how can you look at me
When I can't stand myself

I'm tired to be honest
I'm nobody

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

I tried to kill you
You tried to save me

You save me

That was lyrics from Flyleaf's song "Perfect." These lyrics speak more than my words. Home has been awful this break. I have enjoyed seeing some friends and especially working at McDonald's, and even visiting with family and spending time with mom, but home has been horrible. I can't believe how my dad can anger me so much and so quickly and vice versa. Just little things get me and he knows it. I struggle because I feel I have a grudge against him, and I sort of do.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad! I know he will do anything so that I might have a "better" life. What frustrates me is that knowing this I also can't stand him sometimes because of stuff he says and does or doesn't do to mom and me. I recall in the book of Wisdom when it talks about obeying your father and stuff like that...and when I read something like that it makes me feel bad because I think about this grudge I have.

Moving on....I am continuing to struggle with who I am, whoever that is. The title of this post is what my inner self is screaming to God. How can God look and me when I can't stand myself?? I can't stand what I do sometimes and it makes me sick and worthless. Sure, I am not a horrible person, I know I am good and am created in God's image and that I am not a piece of trash...but at the same time I can't help but ask, "How can God use someone like me to be a priest?"

I can't help but ask how can God use me to help people, nurture them, and guide them. How can I give advice to someone and tell them what they should do, when I don't follow it. I geuss it boils down to can God use me as I am, a sinner, as a priest...or is the question more like, "Does He want to use me as a priest?"

At the moment everything is going in all directions. I have a dad who can not understand why I am even considering the priesthood or why I want to be at church all the time, I have a job at McDonald's I love, I have school that just got done kicking my butt this past semester, I have friends who I love dearly and am able to spend precious moments of sadness and joy with, I have friends who I have hurt and I don't know if I will ever have the courage to talk to again because of what we have done, I have so many questions about life, and I am not satisfied at where I am in life...I want more than all this! I want to be who I am suppose to be. I want to be who God has created me to be (which I am still trying to figure out just who that is). I getting to a point in life where the things I am use to in life are no longer satisfying and the only thing that is satisfying is when i am at church (well, in the broad sense).

Well, to wrap all my frustrations up I have to point to the picture. When I saw this picture, someone had commented that is reminded them of the church standing against the wind of change. I look at this picture and I am comforted because since life is crazy and mine is becoming crazier at the moment and with all the winds pounding me, I know by God's strength I will not be moved. God is showing me what is truth and I will stand on that truth that His Church teaches. So, even though life is rough, its okay because God is holding on to us with a firm grip...a unconditional, merciful, just, passionate hug...

The Sting of Death & Letting My Dad Down

As I look at this picture of St. Joseph dieing, with Mary and Jesus at his side with the angels surrounding him...I can't help but think about this past week. We all know we are going to die...but being there with someone dieing...there is no words to describe the feeling.

It is the worst feeling when you see pain and hurt, but you can not do anything about it. There were no words or actions I could have done to make anything better. It is hard believing that our Lord is a loving God when we look at someone dieing or hurting.

I can't help but recall when Jake died and feeling so helpless. I remember yelling at God asking Him why of all people He would take Jake. And I can't help but wonder why Cindy. We always hear He has a reason...but does He? or is it just life? I dunno, I hope the latter.

It's amazing, no matter how important we are in this world, no matter how much money or power...we all die and we all will lie there helpless as we die. That reminds me of how important each life is whether old, young, or in the womb. It also reminds me how important it is what we do with our life. When I am there lying dieing, what is it I want to say I accomplished or did with the life God gave me?

I feel that I have neglected Suzanne in the past few days when she needed me most. And I am sorry for that. I hate it when things don't work out and it seems everything in life conflicts. I hate being at home! I hate dealing with the crap that is thrown at me here. Right now I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that because of where I am at. It is amazing to me that no matter what I do I am always wrong and I am just a bad person.

Sorry, for the tangent. I know looking back at this week, even though it was very tiresome and stressful, I am so glad God gave me the opportunity to be there. When looking at Cindy, I kept thinking when I am where she is at I hope to be able to say that I have helped people in my life. Even though I could have been something else like a doctor making lots of money dad, thats not what I want. I know I have spoiled your dreams for me, but I am apparently good at screwing up all the time. But, I know that its what I am suppose to do. I am just not sure exactly how I am suppose to yet. But that will come in time.

Who Am I?

I have been struggling with this question for a long time and will continue to struggle with it. Who am I and what does God want from me (in the vocations sense)? I think this question is a part of discernment. I am trying to figure out what abilities God has given me and what talents and desires I have. Where do I find true joy?

By now you know about my struggle with not having a lot of people at C-N like me too much, but I think I have figured out a little bit more why. Lately, I have been on a Hannah Montana kick because she has some really good songs! My favorite is "Nobody's Perfect." The whole song describes me, but two lines really jump out. "My intentions are good, just sometimes misunderstood." I think that is the problem I have with others here at school.

This aggravates me because I wish I could be understood, but I know that is impossible when I don't even understand myself. I don't understand how God has made me and/or why He made me this way. And I am not sure I will ever find out the answers to some of the questions on this earth.

One thing I am beginning to notice in my life is the results of Confirmation, the Eucharist, and Reconciliation. I remember when I first joined the Church, I geuss I expected to be changed instantly. Well, of course I wasn't, but I am beginning to see some changes. It truly amazes me how the Holy Spirit has empowered me. I am doing things now I would have never had thought about doing before (i.e. being a lector, being an altar server, and wanting to help those in need). I see the peace given to me through Reconciliation and how the some of the sins that seem like they have been apart of me forever are beginning to slowly disappear out of my life.

All that said..., I am still not sure where I am going. Where is Christ leading me? Where does He want me to go? One thing I know for ceartin...that I am suppose to be more like Christ everyday. I really like this picture because it is Jesus with the cup of His blood in one hand and His body in the other and He is offering it to us. It truly is through the Eucharist that we are nourished by Christ and become more and more like Him.

I know I want to be nourished by Him. I want to be more like Him each day! I long to do His will for me. I am just afraid, but I know I must keep my faith in Christ. I almost feel like one of the wise men. I feel I am on a pilgrimage, trying to follow the star, so that I can go and worship Christ the King the way God has called me, whether it be as a priest or something else. I know through the Holy Spirit and through the Eucharist I will be sustained and be who Christ wants me to be....Bo.

Intercede For Us Mother of God

Hail Mary, full of grace; all generations call you blessed. Hail Mother of God; when asked by the angel to bear the Son of the Most High, filled with faith, you responded: "Let it be done unto me." Holy Mother of Jesus, at the wedding feast at Cana, you prompted your Son to perform his first sign. Be with us as we discern our life's work and guide us in the way we are called to follow in the footsteps of your Son. Holy Mother of the Savior, at the foot of the cross you mourned the death of your only Son. Bless and embrace the loving parents of all priests, deacons, brothers and sisters. Holy Mother of the Good Shepherd, turn your motherly care to this nation. Intercede for us to the Lord of the harvest to send more laborers to the harvest in this land dedicated to your honor. Queen of Peace, Mirror of Justice, Health of the Sick, inspire vocations in our time. Let the word of your Son be made flesh anew in the lives of persons anxious to proclaim the good news of everlasting life. Amen.

Marriage

I have heard many priests say how they loved "preforming" marriages. I have always been puzzled by such a statement. Wouldn't you think that they would be sad because they see something they will never have. I don't know about anyone else, but when I would go to weddings I have always gotten excited that one day I hope that is me or I think I can't wait to get married. There has always been something about going to them that makes me wish time would go just a bit faster and then I can get married. However, this train of thought ended Sunday.

I was serving at Mass, so I was up on the altar. A couple from the parish was going to get their wedding vows renewed because it was their 50th anniversary. So, at the end of Mass they came up in front of the altar where Father stood and another altar server. As the rite began I could not help but shed a tear (which probably looked odd since I was sitting facing everyone else in the congregation). I was so moved by the love that this couple shared between each other. For the first time I was not thinking, "wow! I can't wait to get married," but rather, "wow! I want to help people like that."

I think it all goes back to the amazement by me that priests are able to help people in not only earthly temporary ways but spiritual and eternal ways. To be able to bond two people together in a unique relationship with Christ as the center absolutely amazes me! Also, to be able to see the love two people share it just a reminder of the love Christ has for us, because His love is so much more.

Loving One Another

This past week has been one filled with inner hurt. I have always saw the fact that I am not as well liked as most people and I geuss that is okay. But, I have always just asked God, "why?"

These past few weeks things have been said indirectly to me and/or written on my door that really didn't mean a lot at first...but when you keep getting the same message it gets old and even though it is not terribly bad it does hurt that people don't like me.

A lot of times I feel so different from everybody else. It feels I am secluded from the rest of the school. It feels like I am stuck in a place that I can't get out of. What makes me so different that the majority of people don't care much for me? I am sure they don't hate me, but they just don't care much about me.

One thing I think about when I feel hurt by others, specifically when I am made fun of or feel left out of things, is Mary. I wonder if Mary ever felt left out? I wonder if she ever felt different from everyone else, like an alien in a place she can't get out of. I wonder if she ever shed tears of sadness because she heard someone say something bad about her....

I think so...I believe Mary did feel that way. I am sure people talked when she was pregnate with Jesus and not married to Joseph. I bet people said some mean stuff and I can look at her and I am stunned because how could anyone make fun of her? So, once again I am directed to Mary as an example to live by. I am once again relying on her intercessions. It is funny how I always end up here!

Jesus Himself was by far more persecuted than me! But, yet He still loved them! The biggest lesson I learned this week is loving your enemies and how hard it really is! Wednesday's reading from Romans blew me away! It was defiantly something I needed to hear. I have always (and probably will continue to) struggled with the fact that priests have to be loving guys, right?! And they also have to be liked by some people right?! (not all people of course) I don't feel I am a very loving guy sometimes, nor someone who is liked. I am not sure what to make of that yet. Since I am not very liked, should that be a sign that I am not called to the priesthood? Or is it a good thing, because Jesus was persecuted and not liked very much either...I dunno...all I know is...

"Brothers and sisters:
Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another;
for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
The commandments, You shall not commit adultery;
you shall not kill;
you shall not steal;
you shall not covet,
and whatever other commandment there may be,
are summed up in this saying, namely,
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Love does no evil to the neighbor;
hence, love is the fulfillment of the law."
-Romans 13: 8-10

Also, after having posted my note on facebook and getting feedback from several people I do have to say, I realize I am not the only on having feelings of not being loved and just not fitting in. It breaks my heart to think it is not just me, because I wished it was just me for everyone else's sack. This is another reason why becoming a priest is appealing...being able to help others. I want people to know that they really are loved, by God, the Church, Mary and all the saints, and by me. Reading peoples feedback to me broke my heart because I really wish people didn't feel that way...but then again I geuss it is part of growing...obviously it has been and is a growing experience for me. St. Anthony Mary Claret explains it best below. I suppose we can continue to look to Mary as an example and for her intercession. Holy Mary, pray thee come hither!

"A priest who is filled with the fire of the love of God will
wound vices, kill sins, convert sinners, and work wonders."
-St. Anthony Mary Claret

In Persona Christi Capitus

Well, I have made it back from St. Meinrad's and I absolutely loved it! I have had a hard time these past few days since I have been back because I want to go back. Coming back, I have a peace about the seminary now. I can't really explain. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have figured anything out, because I haven't, but I just have an unexplained peace.

Another thing that is always popping up in my life is the priest being "In Persona Christi Capitus." Sometimes it is scary because I look at all my faults and I am reminded they are nothing like Christ. However, I recognize that priests are humans, they are not perfect little Jesus's walking around.

I really liked the pic above because it shows the different roles of the priest and the In Persona Christi Capitus. I found this quote below and again it reminds me of this pic:

To live in the midst of the world with no desire for its pleasure...
To be a member of every family yet belonging to none...
To share all sufferings; to penetrate all secrets; to heal all wounds...
To daily go from men to God to offer Him their petitions...
To return from God to men to offer them His hope...
To have a heart of fire for charity and a heart of bronze for chastity...
To bless and be blest forever.
O God, what a life, and it is yours,
O Priest of Jesus Christ

-J.B. Henri Lacordaire (Thou Art a Priest Forever)

I have noticed here lately my prayer has been, "Lord, make me more holy, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others." When I am contemplating on "In Persona Christi Capitus," my question is, "Am I called?"..................



(And by the way, I really wish I was back at St. Meinrad's!!!!!!!!)

Is Christ Speaking?

As I sat in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament today I had a revelation. I was reading from the book "An Hour With Jesus" and reading a meditation entitled, "How Does He Speak." Let me just say wow. It basically was questioning Jesus asking Him why He didn't speak.

I have often wondered, especially since I have begun my discernment, why God could just not speak. Wouldn't it make it easier? Also, since I wasn't really hearing anything was it because I was doing something wrong? I would beg Jesus to speak to me and show me His will and nothing would happen or at least what I was looking for nothing happened.

As I really got into the mediation I paused for prayer and thought about this whole thing. Afterwards I kept reading, this time a section in itlatics that said this is what Jesus would probably say to us. Of course, the first sentence was: "Yes, I speak." But, what really jumped out at me was:

"But most importantly, I speak directly to you. I need for you to be silent to hear me; to be a completely empty vessel. For you see, I speak through your mind, and most importantly, through your heart. In your mediation, in your contemplation, in your silent recognition of my presence, I respond to you. It will be the thoughts you suddenly sense in your mind. It will be the truths you painfully accept in your heart regarding your unworthiness. The ache you feel for serenity, peace, and comfort, that frustration you sense struggling for constant control of your own destiny, your desire to actually hear me, these are all the words of your God speaking to you. If your heart and soul are truly silent, your thoughts will be my words to you."

Wow! When I read this I was literally reading my life story! It applied to me in such a real way, I was speechless. This whole time I have struggled and struggled with God not speaking to me and not revealing Himself and His will...but this whole time He was doing just that! "That frustration you sense struggling for constant control of your own destiny," was like a dagger in the side. I recalled the MANY tears shed out of frustration due to my discernment and you know what...that was God speaking to me! "Painfully accept in your heart regarding your unworthiness," reminded me of SO MANY times crying due to my imperfections...it was then Christ was speaking to me!

I geuss I always thought Jesus would speak in a much more literal way. Maybe not a booming voice, but just a "you wake up in the morning and know" kind of thing. But, during my discernment it is those frustrations, those feelings of unworthiness, the joy from being at church and serving, the desire to know God and to hear Him speak....that IS Christ speaking to me. This revelation has been so comforting to me, to know Christ is speaking. When I thought there was silence, it was actually God screaming at me and I just didn't realize it was Him.

I chose this picture too, because I love the reverence to the Sacred Scripture. It is just another way God is continually speaking to us and a lot of times we pass it up because it is sitting on our shelf.

Seminary

Well, I am writing this blog actually feeling pretty peaceful in my discernment. Things are very busy right now, so maybe it is a good thing that my discernment is peaceful. I am continuing to pray the Liturgy of the Hours and trying to pray more each day.

With the semester almost half over next week, it is scary how fast time is flying by. After this year I only have one year left at C-N! That is crazy! Not bad, but crazy! As I look where I stand now academically and looking to possibly going to the seminary.....it scares me! I am not a bad student. I am probably a "c" or "b" student, but with the classes I have now and the classes I would have at seminary.....wow!

I know seminary is not easy for anyone and I geuss that is part of the formation, it not being easy. Learning Latin scares me. I can't even learn Spanish right now. All the philosophy classes scare me too, especially St. Aquinas (an amazing guy!, but hard to understand!). I struggle enough as it is in college and I can only imagine seminary!

I am immediately reminded however of St. John Vianney, who is actually the patron saint of priests. When he was in seminary he struggled really hard with his classes, especially in Latin. Most people at his seminary did not think he would make it through, but turns out he did! Even though he wasn't the best at his studies, God still lead him through them and he turned out to be an amazing priest. A priest of humility and discipleship. He was known for spending entire days in confession, absolving people of their sins. Of course, after he died he was canonized and is the patron saint of priests.....how amazing! God still used him and his weaknesses!

I think I worry about seminary because I struggle a little bit now in college. But, I guess it is a valid concern. I really liked this picture because the look on this seminarians face recalled how I feel inside sometimes thinking about seminary. A look of total awe, of being totally scared, of total excitement..etc. etc. All these emotions running through. It scares me that I must put my faith in Christ and trust if it is His will, He will get me through seminary. I know priests sacrifice a lot, but even entering into the seminary alone you are sacrificing a lot. It scares me and at the same time excites me!

Anointing of the Sick & My Discernment

So tonight I was serving at Mass with Father Joseph and after Mass he had an Anointing of the Sick were he anointed a deacon who is having surgery tomorrow. I participated in a few Anointing of the Sick, but it was because I had attended Mass. This was the first one I have experienced as an Alter Server.

Thinking back to my first Anointing of the Sick I witnessed was at St. Patrick's about a year ago. The women being anointed was a little old woman. I didn't know her, but I remember sitting there with tears running down my cheek. I remember thinking how amazing is it that a priest is able to help someone in such a unique way. Only a priest can assist, comfort, and support someone in such a profound way. That was probably the first time I realized how, as a priest, I could help people in such a unique and eternal way.

As I stood in front of the altar tonight with Father Joseph at my side and the deacon being anointed and his wife sitting in the front roll. The sacrament went just like usual. Nothing crazy new, but it was one of the most amazing feelings as far as my discernment of the priesthood goes. I think because there I was in my cassock and surplice and was from a different perspective than the last few times. I was actually doing something physical to help this guy like Father was by anointing him and laying hands on him. But, inside I felt like I was comforting him and his wife because I was there as a server and representing the Church. I felt like I was showing him that the Church loves him and cares about him and most importantly God loves him. It was amazing feeling like I was making a difference and not just because I actually did something, but just being able to pray and represent the Church.

I know all this sounds kind of odd and maybe random, but it was a point where I recalled how much I want to help others and how priests are able to impact peoples lives in such a huge way and more importantly Jesus is able to impact lives through the priests. I know there are other ways to serve people, but this is the way I feel a calling towards. This kind of stuff brings me true joy and happiness. Being on the altar feels like home. I think it is just amazing how a priest is truly a father to so many people. I too want to be a father to people.

Sorry if this blog doesn't make since, but I am writing this and also talking with some friends. But, that's all for now.

Also, this picture is amazing! The altar server is the one on the left. Ofcourse, I didn't actually get to kneel and stuff, but in my heart I did feel like this server in the picture.

Struggles with the Prieshood

So, I have decided to turn this blog into my blog about my discernment of the Roman Catholic priesthood. It starts.........not yet............................almost!....................NOW!

Well, this week has been full of discernment issues!!! First off, this summer, once again, I got comfortable with the idea of me going into a business management vocation. After all, I love McDonald's and I love business. Towards the end of the summer I even decided to attempt a relationship with a girl who I love dearly and who is a good friend of mine. My reasoning was I did not want to not attempt a relationship and never know if it would have worked out. Well, it has been two weeks and I think I might have figured out the answer to that question.

This girl is a great girl and one of my best friends, so that actually makes it great because I know she will be for me no matter what. However, it does hurt me because she does have feelings for me and I can't make myself have the same feelings for her. We talked two nights ago and I don't believe I will forget that night for a long time. She literally put a sword through me or at least that is the way it felt. You could see in her eyes the compassion she had for me as a friend. Hearing he tell me how I am a "good person" and someone of "strong faith" broke me down. Hearing her say my faith shows because I am even considering the priesthood. Wow. Now that will break down anyone with poor self-esteem I do believe! She went on to tell me no matter what I decide she will love me and be my best friend. What brought me to my knees emotionally and spiritually was her saying that if I decide to be a priest she would be in my parish........my parish?!......wow.

The next day I go to Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament surrendering once again to Jesus and consecrating myself to his Sacred Heart. Well, Mass begins and Deacon Jim said the words that almost made me fall backwards in my chair (no really!!). His last words were he challenged us to say "yes" to what God is calling us....."no matter how crazy it sounds." Wow once again. The night before I was just talking about how crazy all this sounds...well, I guess the Holy Spirit answered that question for me.

I have decided to spend at least one hour in prayer each day, plus pray the Rosary each day between classes, an hour of Adoration on Wed., plus Mass on Sunday and Wed., be an Altar Server, join Knights of Columbus, and help teach 10th grade CCD. I do this to help me with my discernment yes, but most importantly for the Glory of God! Oh how I have fallen in love with him in my discernment and I continue to fall in love more and more each day. This discernment has and is very tough, but no matter what happens it is such a blessing from God that He has chosen me to discern the holy priesthood. What an honor from God. May everything I do bring Glory to God!

Prayer- Not enough Our Father's...

I have come to a realization that I do not prayer enough, okay, no where near enough. I usually do a better job of prayer when I am at school and I struggle more with it in the summer because I am so busy at work. Either way, there is no excuse.

Yesterday's Gospel was when Jesus taught the disciples how to pray. One thing I find interesting and well amazing is when Jesus said, "pray like this: Our Father...," when he says father he literally says abba (daddy). First off, I can only imagine what the disciples where thinking when they hear Jesus asking them to address God as daddy. Second, how amazing is it that we can call God daddy. Our relationship with God is so intimate that he allows us to call him daddy. Thinking about this recalls the image of a little boy on his daddy's lap, while his daddy rocks him.

Another amazing thing is not only can we call God daddy, but we can also call Mary our mother. Every time I think of Mary our mother I think of a Madonna and Child picture with Mary holding the baby Jesus. Just as she cared for Jesus, she too cares for us. She is our intercessor to Jesus and she wants to lead us to Him. Before coming Catholic and even after, I really did not grasp this idea of Mary helping us and praying for us and still today I do not grasp it entirely just as no one else does. But, since I started where a scapular to show my devotion to Mary I have begun to see what people mean when they say she is our mother. I don't really have a lot of words to explain it, because I am still in awe. But I have definitely found a few Hail Mary's followed by some Our Father's really makes a difference!!! Pax Tecum!