As I look at this picture of St. Joseph dieing, with Mary and Jesus at his side with the angels surrounding him...I can't help but think about this past week. We all know we are going to die...but being there with someone dieing...there is no words to describe the feeling.
It is the worst feeling when you see pain and hurt, but you can not do anything about it. There were no words or actions I could have done to make anything better. It is hard believing that our Lord is a loving God when we look at someone dieing or hurting.
I can't help but recall when Jake died and feeling so helpless. I remember yelling at God asking Him why of all people He would take Jake. And I can't help but wonder why Cindy. We always hear He has a reason...but does He? or is it just life? I dunno, I hope the latter.
It's amazing, no matter how important we are in this world, no matter how much money or power...we all die and we all will lie there helpless as we die. That reminds me of how important each life is whether old, young, or in the womb. It also reminds me how important it is what we do with our life. When I am there lying dieing, what is it I want to say I accomplished or did with the life God gave me?
I feel that I have neglected Suzanne in the past few days when she needed me most. And I am sorry for that. I hate it when things don't work out and it seems everything in life conflicts. I hate being at home! I hate dealing with the crap that is thrown at me here. Right now I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that because of where I am at. It is amazing to me that no matter what I do I am always wrong and I am just a bad person.
Sorry, for the tangent. I know looking back at this week, even though it was very tiresome and stressful, I am so glad God gave me the opportunity to be there. When looking at Cindy, I kept thinking when I am where she is at I hope to be able to say that I have helped people in my life. Even though I could have been something else like a doctor making lots of money dad, thats not what I want. I know I have spoiled your dreams for me, but I am apparently good at screwing up all the time. But, I know that its what I am suppose to do. I am just not sure exactly how I am suppose to yet. But that will come in time.
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