How Can You Look At Me When I Can't Stand Myself?

Sick of circling the same road
Sick of bearing the guilt
So open the windows to cool off
And heat pours in instead

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

All my efforts to clean me
Leave me putrid and filthy
And how can you look at me
When I can't stand myself

I'm tired to be honest
I'm nobody

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

I tried to kill you
You tried to save me

You save me

That was lyrics from Flyleaf's song "Perfect." These lyrics speak more than my words. Home has been awful this break. I have enjoyed seeing some friends and especially working at McDonald's, and even visiting with family and spending time with mom, but home has been horrible. I can't believe how my dad can anger me so much and so quickly and vice versa. Just little things get me and he knows it. I struggle because I feel I have a grudge against him, and I sort of do.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad! I know he will do anything so that I might have a "better" life. What frustrates me is that knowing this I also can't stand him sometimes because of stuff he says and does or doesn't do to mom and me. I recall in the book of Wisdom when it talks about obeying your father and stuff like that...and when I read something like that it makes me feel bad because I think about this grudge I have.

Moving on....I am continuing to struggle with who I am, whoever that is. The title of this post is what my inner self is screaming to God. How can God look and me when I can't stand myself?? I can't stand what I do sometimes and it makes me sick and worthless. Sure, I am not a horrible person, I know I am good and am created in God's image and that I am not a piece of trash...but at the same time I can't help but ask, "How can God use someone like me to be a priest?"

I can't help but ask how can God use me to help people, nurture them, and guide them. How can I give advice to someone and tell them what they should do, when I don't follow it. I geuss it boils down to can God use me as I am, a sinner, as a priest...or is the question more like, "Does He want to use me as a priest?"

At the moment everything is going in all directions. I have a dad who can not understand why I am even considering the priesthood or why I want to be at church all the time, I have a job at McDonald's I love, I have school that just got done kicking my butt this past semester, I have friends who I love dearly and am able to spend precious moments of sadness and joy with, I have friends who I have hurt and I don't know if I will ever have the courage to talk to again because of what we have done, I have so many questions about life, and I am not satisfied at where I am in life...I want more than all this! I want to be who I am suppose to be. I want to be who God has created me to be (which I am still trying to figure out just who that is). I getting to a point in life where the things I am use to in life are no longer satisfying and the only thing that is satisfying is when i am at church (well, in the broad sense).

Well, to wrap all my frustrations up I have to point to the picture. When I saw this picture, someone had commented that is reminded them of the church standing against the wind of change. I look at this picture and I am comforted because since life is crazy and mine is becoming crazier at the moment and with all the winds pounding me, I know by God's strength I will not be moved. God is showing me what is truth and I will stand on that truth that His Church teaches. So, even though life is rough, its okay because God is holding on to us with a firm grip...a unconditional, merciful, just, passionate hug...

The Sting of Death & Letting My Dad Down

As I look at this picture of St. Joseph dieing, with Mary and Jesus at his side with the angels surrounding him...I can't help but think about this past week. We all know we are going to die...but being there with someone dieing...there is no words to describe the feeling.

It is the worst feeling when you see pain and hurt, but you can not do anything about it. There were no words or actions I could have done to make anything better. It is hard believing that our Lord is a loving God when we look at someone dieing or hurting.

I can't help but recall when Jake died and feeling so helpless. I remember yelling at God asking Him why of all people He would take Jake. And I can't help but wonder why Cindy. We always hear He has a reason...but does He? or is it just life? I dunno, I hope the latter.

It's amazing, no matter how important we are in this world, no matter how much money or power...we all die and we all will lie there helpless as we die. That reminds me of how important each life is whether old, young, or in the womb. It also reminds me how important it is what we do with our life. When I am there lying dieing, what is it I want to say I accomplished or did with the life God gave me?

I feel that I have neglected Suzanne in the past few days when she needed me most. And I am sorry for that. I hate it when things don't work out and it seems everything in life conflicts. I hate being at home! I hate dealing with the crap that is thrown at me here. Right now I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that because of where I am at. It is amazing to me that no matter what I do I am always wrong and I am just a bad person.

Sorry, for the tangent. I know looking back at this week, even though it was very tiresome and stressful, I am so glad God gave me the opportunity to be there. When looking at Cindy, I kept thinking when I am where she is at I hope to be able to say that I have helped people in my life. Even though I could have been something else like a doctor making lots of money dad, thats not what I want. I know I have spoiled your dreams for me, but I am apparently good at screwing up all the time. But, I know that its what I am suppose to do. I am just not sure exactly how I am suppose to yet. But that will come in time.

Who Am I?

I have been struggling with this question for a long time and will continue to struggle with it. Who am I and what does God want from me (in the vocations sense)? I think this question is a part of discernment. I am trying to figure out what abilities God has given me and what talents and desires I have. Where do I find true joy?

By now you know about my struggle with not having a lot of people at C-N like me too much, but I think I have figured out a little bit more why. Lately, I have been on a Hannah Montana kick because she has some really good songs! My favorite is "Nobody's Perfect." The whole song describes me, but two lines really jump out. "My intentions are good, just sometimes misunderstood." I think that is the problem I have with others here at school.

This aggravates me because I wish I could be understood, but I know that is impossible when I don't even understand myself. I don't understand how God has made me and/or why He made me this way. And I am not sure I will ever find out the answers to some of the questions on this earth.

One thing I am beginning to notice in my life is the results of Confirmation, the Eucharist, and Reconciliation. I remember when I first joined the Church, I geuss I expected to be changed instantly. Well, of course I wasn't, but I am beginning to see some changes. It truly amazes me how the Holy Spirit has empowered me. I am doing things now I would have never had thought about doing before (i.e. being a lector, being an altar server, and wanting to help those in need). I see the peace given to me through Reconciliation and how the some of the sins that seem like they have been apart of me forever are beginning to slowly disappear out of my life.

All that said..., I am still not sure where I am going. Where is Christ leading me? Where does He want me to go? One thing I know for ceartin...that I am suppose to be more like Christ everyday. I really like this picture because it is Jesus with the cup of His blood in one hand and His body in the other and He is offering it to us. It truly is through the Eucharist that we are nourished by Christ and become more and more like Him.

I know I want to be nourished by Him. I want to be more like Him each day! I long to do His will for me. I am just afraid, but I know I must keep my faith in Christ. I almost feel like one of the wise men. I feel I am on a pilgrimage, trying to follow the star, so that I can go and worship Christ the King the way God has called me, whether it be as a priest or something else. I know through the Holy Spirit and through the Eucharist I will be sustained and be who Christ wants me to be....Bo.

Intercede For Us Mother of God

Hail Mary, full of grace; all generations call you blessed. Hail Mother of God; when asked by the angel to bear the Son of the Most High, filled with faith, you responded: "Let it be done unto me." Holy Mother of Jesus, at the wedding feast at Cana, you prompted your Son to perform his first sign. Be with us as we discern our life's work and guide us in the way we are called to follow in the footsteps of your Son. Holy Mother of the Savior, at the foot of the cross you mourned the death of your only Son. Bless and embrace the loving parents of all priests, deacons, brothers and sisters. Holy Mother of the Good Shepherd, turn your motherly care to this nation. Intercede for us to the Lord of the harvest to send more laborers to the harvest in this land dedicated to your honor. Queen of Peace, Mirror of Justice, Health of the Sick, inspire vocations in our time. Let the word of your Son be made flesh anew in the lives of persons anxious to proclaim the good news of everlasting life. Amen.