In Persona Christi Capitus

Well, I have made it back from St. Meinrad's and I absolutely loved it! I have had a hard time these past few days since I have been back because I want to go back. Coming back, I have a peace about the seminary now. I can't really explain. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have figured anything out, because I haven't, but I just have an unexplained peace.

Another thing that is always popping up in my life is the priest being "In Persona Christi Capitus." Sometimes it is scary because I look at all my faults and I am reminded they are nothing like Christ. However, I recognize that priests are humans, they are not perfect little Jesus's walking around.

I really liked the pic above because it shows the different roles of the priest and the In Persona Christi Capitus. I found this quote below and again it reminds me of this pic:

To live in the midst of the world with no desire for its pleasure...
To be a member of every family yet belonging to none...
To share all sufferings; to penetrate all secrets; to heal all wounds...
To daily go from men to God to offer Him their petitions...
To return from God to men to offer them His hope...
To have a heart of fire for charity and a heart of bronze for chastity...
To bless and be blest forever.
O God, what a life, and it is yours,
O Priest of Jesus Christ

-J.B. Henri Lacordaire (Thou Art a Priest Forever)

I have noticed here lately my prayer has been, "Lord, make me more holy, not for my own sake, but for the sake of others." When I am contemplating on "In Persona Christi Capitus," my question is, "Am I called?"..................



(And by the way, I really wish I was back at St. Meinrad's!!!!!!!!)

Is Christ Speaking?

As I sat in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament today I had a revelation. I was reading from the book "An Hour With Jesus" and reading a meditation entitled, "How Does He Speak." Let me just say wow. It basically was questioning Jesus asking Him why He didn't speak.

I have often wondered, especially since I have begun my discernment, why God could just not speak. Wouldn't it make it easier? Also, since I wasn't really hearing anything was it because I was doing something wrong? I would beg Jesus to speak to me and show me His will and nothing would happen or at least what I was looking for nothing happened.

As I really got into the mediation I paused for prayer and thought about this whole thing. Afterwards I kept reading, this time a section in itlatics that said this is what Jesus would probably say to us. Of course, the first sentence was: "Yes, I speak." But, what really jumped out at me was:

"But most importantly, I speak directly to you. I need for you to be silent to hear me; to be a completely empty vessel. For you see, I speak through your mind, and most importantly, through your heart. In your mediation, in your contemplation, in your silent recognition of my presence, I respond to you. It will be the thoughts you suddenly sense in your mind. It will be the truths you painfully accept in your heart regarding your unworthiness. The ache you feel for serenity, peace, and comfort, that frustration you sense struggling for constant control of your own destiny, your desire to actually hear me, these are all the words of your God speaking to you. If your heart and soul are truly silent, your thoughts will be my words to you."

Wow! When I read this I was literally reading my life story! It applied to me in such a real way, I was speechless. This whole time I have struggled and struggled with God not speaking to me and not revealing Himself and His will...but this whole time He was doing just that! "That frustration you sense struggling for constant control of your own destiny," was like a dagger in the side. I recalled the MANY tears shed out of frustration due to my discernment and you know what...that was God speaking to me! "Painfully accept in your heart regarding your unworthiness," reminded me of SO MANY times crying due to my imperfections...it was then Christ was speaking to me!

I geuss I always thought Jesus would speak in a much more literal way. Maybe not a booming voice, but just a "you wake up in the morning and know" kind of thing. But, during my discernment it is those frustrations, those feelings of unworthiness, the joy from being at church and serving, the desire to know God and to hear Him speak....that IS Christ speaking to me. This revelation has been so comforting to me, to know Christ is speaking. When I thought there was silence, it was actually God screaming at me and I just didn't realize it was Him.

I chose this picture too, because I love the reverence to the Sacred Scripture. It is just another way God is continually speaking to us and a lot of times we pass it up because it is sitting on our shelf.

Seminary

Well, I am writing this blog actually feeling pretty peaceful in my discernment. Things are very busy right now, so maybe it is a good thing that my discernment is peaceful. I am continuing to pray the Liturgy of the Hours and trying to pray more each day.

With the semester almost half over next week, it is scary how fast time is flying by. After this year I only have one year left at C-N! That is crazy! Not bad, but crazy! As I look where I stand now academically and looking to possibly going to the seminary.....it scares me! I am not a bad student. I am probably a "c" or "b" student, but with the classes I have now and the classes I would have at seminary.....wow!

I know seminary is not easy for anyone and I geuss that is part of the formation, it not being easy. Learning Latin scares me. I can't even learn Spanish right now. All the philosophy classes scare me too, especially St. Aquinas (an amazing guy!, but hard to understand!). I struggle enough as it is in college and I can only imagine seminary!

I am immediately reminded however of St. John Vianney, who is actually the patron saint of priests. When he was in seminary he struggled really hard with his classes, especially in Latin. Most people at his seminary did not think he would make it through, but turns out he did! Even though he wasn't the best at his studies, God still lead him through them and he turned out to be an amazing priest. A priest of humility and discipleship. He was known for spending entire days in confession, absolving people of their sins. Of course, after he died he was canonized and is the patron saint of priests.....how amazing! God still used him and his weaknesses!

I think I worry about seminary because I struggle a little bit now in college. But, I guess it is a valid concern. I really liked this picture because the look on this seminarians face recalled how I feel inside sometimes thinking about seminary. A look of total awe, of being totally scared, of total excitement..etc. etc. All these emotions running through. It scares me that I must put my faith in Christ and trust if it is His will, He will get me through seminary. I know priests sacrifice a lot, but even entering into the seminary alone you are sacrificing a lot. It scares me and at the same time excites me!