A Year Gone By

It is so hard to believe that it has been almost a year since I made my Proclamation of Faith! It amazing how much has happened in my life since then too. I recall Deacon Jim saying before the Easter Vigil that it was not the end, but just the beginning of the journey.

I first recall the friends in my life who have been there for me. It amazes me how great friends are and I am so thankful that I am able to have the friends I have. I know I get on their nerves and they do mine, but we love each other and that's what matters.

I also recall my struggles. I can't help but remember that it is our struggles that model us into who we are. I do have to say I agree. As hard as it is to rejoice in times of struggle, they really are moments of joy, because in the end I will be who God made me to be. It's funny the different array of struggles I have been through in the past year. I am pretty darn sure I have struggled with something in about every subject in life. Through Holy Spirit and the nourishment of Christ I have made it through them this past year, just as I will continue to do this next year.

I also think about all the joys in life. Just the good stuff in life. It's interesting how the most precious moments in life are those times with friends just hanging out. It is something about staying up all night just talking or laying in bed and talking till two in the morning that makes life worth living sometimes. I wonder what Jesus talked about when He had those times with his disciples?

I am so thankful for the Catholic Church. I am constantly blown away by how truly amazing the Church is. Only through the Holy Spirit can the Church function the way it does and also remained united as the living, breathing Body of Christ. I am thankful for Pope Benedict, the bishops, and all the clergy for their direction and guidance. I am very thankful for the Communion of Saints and their constant intersessions on mine and our behalf.

I really don't know where I am going in life at this point. I don't know if the priesthood is what I am called to or not, but I am currently praying that if it is, I will be able to accept God's will. All I know at this point is I am thankful for the Church for setting me on track and keeping me on track with Christ. I am so blessed and thankful and rejoice that God has called me by name to be part of his Catholic Church.

How Can You Look At Me When I Can't Stand Myself?

Sick of circling the same road
Sick of bearing the guilt
So open the windows to cool off
And heat pours in instead

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

All my efforts to clean me
Leave me putrid and filthy
And how can you look at me
When I can't stand myself

I'm tired to be honest
I'm nobody

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

I tried to kill you
You tried to save me

You save me

That was lyrics from Flyleaf's song "Perfect." These lyrics speak more than my words. Home has been awful this break. I have enjoyed seeing some friends and especially working at McDonald's, and even visiting with family and spending time with mom, but home has been horrible. I can't believe how my dad can anger me so much and so quickly and vice versa. Just little things get me and he knows it. I struggle because I feel I have a grudge against him, and I sort of do.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad! I know he will do anything so that I might have a "better" life. What frustrates me is that knowing this I also can't stand him sometimes because of stuff he says and does or doesn't do to mom and me. I recall in the book of Wisdom when it talks about obeying your father and stuff like that...and when I read something like that it makes me feel bad because I think about this grudge I have.

Moving on....I am continuing to struggle with who I am, whoever that is. The title of this post is what my inner self is screaming to God. How can God look and me when I can't stand myself?? I can't stand what I do sometimes and it makes me sick and worthless. Sure, I am not a horrible person, I know I am good and am created in God's image and that I am not a piece of trash...but at the same time I can't help but ask, "How can God use someone like me to be a priest?"

I can't help but ask how can God use me to help people, nurture them, and guide them. How can I give advice to someone and tell them what they should do, when I don't follow it. I geuss it boils down to can God use me as I am, a sinner, as a priest...or is the question more like, "Does He want to use me as a priest?"

At the moment everything is going in all directions. I have a dad who can not understand why I am even considering the priesthood or why I want to be at church all the time, I have a job at McDonald's I love, I have school that just got done kicking my butt this past semester, I have friends who I love dearly and am able to spend precious moments of sadness and joy with, I have friends who I have hurt and I don't know if I will ever have the courage to talk to again because of what we have done, I have so many questions about life, and I am not satisfied at where I am in life...I want more than all this! I want to be who I am suppose to be. I want to be who God has created me to be (which I am still trying to figure out just who that is). I getting to a point in life where the things I am use to in life are no longer satisfying and the only thing that is satisfying is when i am at church (well, in the broad sense).

Well, to wrap all my frustrations up I have to point to the picture. When I saw this picture, someone had commented that is reminded them of the church standing against the wind of change. I look at this picture and I am comforted because since life is crazy and mine is becoming crazier at the moment and with all the winds pounding me, I know by God's strength I will not be moved. God is showing me what is truth and I will stand on that truth that His Church teaches. So, even though life is rough, its okay because God is holding on to us with a firm grip...a unconditional, merciful, just, passionate hug...

The Sting of Death & Letting My Dad Down

As I look at this picture of St. Joseph dieing, with Mary and Jesus at his side with the angels surrounding him...I can't help but think about this past week. We all know we are going to die...but being there with someone dieing...there is no words to describe the feeling.

It is the worst feeling when you see pain and hurt, but you can not do anything about it. There were no words or actions I could have done to make anything better. It is hard believing that our Lord is a loving God when we look at someone dieing or hurting.

I can't help but recall when Jake died and feeling so helpless. I remember yelling at God asking Him why of all people He would take Jake. And I can't help but wonder why Cindy. We always hear He has a reason...but does He? or is it just life? I dunno, I hope the latter.

It's amazing, no matter how important we are in this world, no matter how much money or power...we all die and we all will lie there helpless as we die. That reminds me of how important each life is whether old, young, or in the womb. It also reminds me how important it is what we do with our life. When I am there lying dieing, what is it I want to say I accomplished or did with the life God gave me?

I feel that I have neglected Suzanne in the past few days when she needed me most. And I am sorry for that. I hate it when things don't work out and it seems everything in life conflicts. I hate being at home! I hate dealing with the crap that is thrown at me here. Right now I wish I could cry, but I can't even do that because of where I am at. It is amazing to me that no matter what I do I am always wrong and I am just a bad person.

Sorry, for the tangent. I know looking back at this week, even though it was very tiresome and stressful, I am so glad God gave me the opportunity to be there. When looking at Cindy, I kept thinking when I am where she is at I hope to be able to say that I have helped people in my life. Even though I could have been something else like a doctor making lots of money dad, thats not what I want. I know I have spoiled your dreams for me, but I am apparently good at screwing up all the time. But, I know that its what I am suppose to do. I am just not sure exactly how I am suppose to yet. But that will come in time.

Who Am I?

I have been struggling with this question for a long time and will continue to struggle with it. Who am I and what does God want from me (in the vocations sense)? I think this question is a part of discernment. I am trying to figure out what abilities God has given me and what talents and desires I have. Where do I find true joy?

By now you know about my struggle with not having a lot of people at C-N like me too much, but I think I have figured out a little bit more why. Lately, I have been on a Hannah Montana kick because she has some really good songs! My favorite is "Nobody's Perfect." The whole song describes me, but two lines really jump out. "My intentions are good, just sometimes misunderstood." I think that is the problem I have with others here at school.

This aggravates me because I wish I could be understood, but I know that is impossible when I don't even understand myself. I don't understand how God has made me and/or why He made me this way. And I am not sure I will ever find out the answers to some of the questions on this earth.

One thing I am beginning to notice in my life is the results of Confirmation, the Eucharist, and Reconciliation. I remember when I first joined the Church, I geuss I expected to be changed instantly. Well, of course I wasn't, but I am beginning to see some changes. It truly amazes me how the Holy Spirit has empowered me. I am doing things now I would have never had thought about doing before (i.e. being a lector, being an altar server, and wanting to help those in need). I see the peace given to me through Reconciliation and how the some of the sins that seem like they have been apart of me forever are beginning to slowly disappear out of my life.

All that said..., I am still not sure where I am going. Where is Christ leading me? Where does He want me to go? One thing I know for ceartin...that I am suppose to be more like Christ everyday. I really like this picture because it is Jesus with the cup of His blood in one hand and His body in the other and He is offering it to us. It truly is through the Eucharist that we are nourished by Christ and become more and more like Him.

I know I want to be nourished by Him. I want to be more like Him each day! I long to do His will for me. I am just afraid, but I know I must keep my faith in Christ. I almost feel like one of the wise men. I feel I am on a pilgrimage, trying to follow the star, so that I can go and worship Christ the King the way God has called me, whether it be as a priest or something else. I know through the Holy Spirit and through the Eucharist I will be sustained and be who Christ wants me to be....Bo.

Intercede For Us Mother of God

Hail Mary, full of grace; all generations call you blessed. Hail Mother of God; when asked by the angel to bear the Son of the Most High, filled with faith, you responded: "Let it be done unto me." Holy Mother of Jesus, at the wedding feast at Cana, you prompted your Son to perform his first sign. Be with us as we discern our life's work and guide us in the way we are called to follow in the footsteps of your Son. Holy Mother of the Savior, at the foot of the cross you mourned the death of your only Son. Bless and embrace the loving parents of all priests, deacons, brothers and sisters. Holy Mother of the Good Shepherd, turn your motherly care to this nation. Intercede for us to the Lord of the harvest to send more laborers to the harvest in this land dedicated to your honor. Queen of Peace, Mirror of Justice, Health of the Sick, inspire vocations in our time. Let the word of your Son be made flesh anew in the lives of persons anxious to proclaim the good news of everlasting life. Amen.

Marriage

I have heard many priests say how they loved "preforming" marriages. I have always been puzzled by such a statement. Wouldn't you think that they would be sad because they see something they will never have. I don't know about anyone else, but when I would go to weddings I have always gotten excited that one day I hope that is me or I think I can't wait to get married. There has always been something about going to them that makes me wish time would go just a bit faster and then I can get married. However, this train of thought ended Sunday.

I was serving at Mass, so I was up on the altar. A couple from the parish was going to get their wedding vows renewed because it was their 50th anniversary. So, at the end of Mass they came up in front of the altar where Father stood and another altar server. As the rite began I could not help but shed a tear (which probably looked odd since I was sitting facing everyone else in the congregation). I was so moved by the love that this couple shared between each other. For the first time I was not thinking, "wow! I can't wait to get married," but rather, "wow! I want to help people like that."

I think it all goes back to the amazement by me that priests are able to help people in not only earthly temporary ways but spiritual and eternal ways. To be able to bond two people together in a unique relationship with Christ as the center absolutely amazes me! Also, to be able to see the love two people share it just a reminder of the love Christ has for us, because His love is so much more.

Loving One Another

This past week has been one filled with inner hurt. I have always saw the fact that I am not as well liked as most people and I geuss that is okay. But, I have always just asked God, "why?"

These past few weeks things have been said indirectly to me and/or written on my door that really didn't mean a lot at first...but when you keep getting the same message it gets old and even though it is not terribly bad it does hurt that people don't like me.

A lot of times I feel so different from everybody else. It feels I am secluded from the rest of the school. It feels like I am stuck in a place that I can't get out of. What makes me so different that the majority of people don't care much for me? I am sure they don't hate me, but they just don't care much about me.

One thing I think about when I feel hurt by others, specifically when I am made fun of or feel left out of things, is Mary. I wonder if Mary ever felt left out? I wonder if she ever felt different from everyone else, like an alien in a place she can't get out of. I wonder if she ever shed tears of sadness because she heard someone say something bad about her....

I think so...I believe Mary did feel that way. I am sure people talked when she was pregnate with Jesus and not married to Joseph. I bet people said some mean stuff and I can look at her and I am stunned because how could anyone make fun of her? So, once again I am directed to Mary as an example to live by. I am once again relying on her intercessions. It is funny how I always end up here!

Jesus Himself was by far more persecuted than me! But, yet He still loved them! The biggest lesson I learned this week is loving your enemies and how hard it really is! Wednesday's reading from Romans blew me away! It was defiantly something I needed to hear. I have always (and probably will continue to) struggled with the fact that priests have to be loving guys, right?! And they also have to be liked by some people right?! (not all people of course) I don't feel I am a very loving guy sometimes, nor someone who is liked. I am not sure what to make of that yet. Since I am not very liked, should that be a sign that I am not called to the priesthood? Or is it a good thing, because Jesus was persecuted and not liked very much either...I dunno...all I know is...

"Brothers and sisters:
Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another;
for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
The commandments, You shall not commit adultery;
you shall not kill;
you shall not steal;
you shall not covet,
and whatever other commandment there may be,
are summed up in this saying, namely,
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Love does no evil to the neighbor;
hence, love is the fulfillment of the law."
-Romans 13: 8-10

Also, after having posted my note on facebook and getting feedback from several people I do have to say, I realize I am not the only on having feelings of not being loved and just not fitting in. It breaks my heart to think it is not just me, because I wished it was just me for everyone else's sack. This is another reason why becoming a priest is appealing...being able to help others. I want people to know that they really are loved, by God, the Church, Mary and all the saints, and by me. Reading peoples feedback to me broke my heart because I really wish people didn't feel that way...but then again I geuss it is part of growing...obviously it has been and is a growing experience for me. St. Anthony Mary Claret explains it best below. I suppose we can continue to look to Mary as an example and for her intercession. Holy Mary, pray thee come hither!

"A priest who is filled with the fire of the love of God will
wound vices, kill sins, convert sinners, and work wonders."
-St. Anthony Mary Claret